There seems to be a great divide between working moms and stay-at-home moms. Typically you’re either one or the other. I’m trying to be both.
I am a stay-at-home working mom (SAHWM) which sounds like an oxymoron (and probably should be.) It isn’t hard to find articles about the challenges of being a stay-at-home mom who has dedicated her entire life to raising her children and just as many examples of the plights of the working mom who tirelessly plays the role of both mom and bread winner and agonizes over leaving her babies in the hands of caretakers during the work day. (Both are heroes in my book.) But stories of moms who are attempting to exist in both worlds are not as common. I’m talking about the moms who juggle child care duties and a career simultaneously- and usually at home. Moms who compose emails in between stirring dinner. Moms who conduct teleconferences with babies in their arms. Moms who land major business deals among diapers and dirty dishes. These moms need support too and the validation that comes with hearing another woman’s story who is in her same shoes.
I found out I was pregnant with my first baby the month my business partner and I opened our nanny agency. She was excited for me but you can imagine her fear and trepidation. Let’s just say that the timing wasn’t ideal. After my daughter was born, it took some time to adjust. I vividly remember one of many breaking points. I had spent a day in the office with my then 3-month old attempting to be productive while anxiously avoiding her loud shrieks so as not to disturb everyone in our office hallway including our grumpy male landlord. I spent at least an hour trying to get her to sleep in the Pack n’ Play near my desk and then held my breath every time the phone rang once she was finally asleep. I practically whispered “Thank you for calling Trusting Connections Nanny Agency – how can I help you?” While it was nice to have my new baby by my side, that day in the office with her was incredibly stressful and hardly productive.
That afternoon, I attempted to run a work errand with her in tow and she screamed the entire way from the office to the store. Once parked, I frantically unbuttoned my shirt to nurse her and the phone rang. A client had picked that time to yell at me and I half-listened to her while fumbling to feed my impatient infant. In the Costco parking lot. After getting off that unpleasant phone call, I crumbled under months of exhaustion and stress and pressure. I sat there and bawled my eyes out. I remember calling my husband and in between sobs, tried to express that I simply couldn’t do it anymore. “It’s just too hard; I can’t do this, honey. I’m done. This is insane and I can’t do this anymore.”
But the next day, I was at it again. And five years and another baby later, I am still doing it. And while it is rewarding beyond measure, it truly sometimes feels like an impossibility. I now work mostly from home and have often wished someone could follow me around and film what a day in the life of a SAHWM looks like. Because so many of you would instantly identify with this craziness and maybe our husbands and colleagues could finally get a glimpse about what our time spent at home looks like! You can’t make this stuff up- the insanity that sometimes unfolds in our house. I once kept track of the things that happened in just one of my days. Here is what I wrote:
…….
“I no longer have beginning and ending times to my day, just small windows of peace throughout a 24-hour period.
But let’s just say my day begins at 5:30 am (even though it never really ended. I have been up multiple times throughout the night consoling, feeding and rocking a newborn half asleep.)
At 5:30 am the door squeaks open. Cue the Jaws song. I could totally go for that super annoying old ringtone alarm right about now in exchange for the rude awakening that’s about to begin. I take that back. Because then in the sweetest voice possible I hear, “Mommy?” And with a super big smile she runs towards me and I scoop her up and have approximately 2.5 seconds to hold her before she wiggles away. And I can’t help but melt.
Sh**
I forgot to iron a shirt for my husband the night before and he’s already at the teeth brushing stage of his morning routine so I know he will be ready for it in three minutes. I hand my toddler my iPhone knowing good and well that electronics are likely going to cost her 30-50 IQ points, desperate to have her sit still and stay out of trouble while I do my least favorite thing in the entire world, still half asleep. The shirt is ironed and hubby gets out the door on time. Go me.
“Snack, snack, snack.” my two-year-old warns. I say warns because I know that I will hear that only a few more times before the shrieking begins. So I begin making breakfast. Which is a good thing because I am starving after the all night boob buffet enjoyed by my newborn. I still haven’t peed yet and I need to go but that will have to wait. After a very long and hard decision between Cheerios or Grape Nuts, my toddler picks Cheerios (only in the Lady and the Tramp bowl, of course) and she is a happy camper. But before I can get her food in front of her, the baby wakes up. There goes my breakfast. After grabbing the baby and making breakfast one-handed, I sit down to nurse her and chit chat with my toddler.
Crap. I am on-call and can hear the phone ringing in the other room. I rush there, baby still latched on as I am shuffling in a panic down the hallway. “Mom!! Moommmmmmyyy!!!” I can hear my toddler calling. “I want more!” “How do you ask nicely?” I ask. The phone rings again. Forget manners. Here’s more strawberries. I answer the phone. One of our client needs a nanny. And fast. I make a few phone calls while burping the baby and get the job filled. Whew. Client is happy. While washing breakfast dishes I enjoy a few left over scraps of food from my toddlers’ tray.
Mid-morning I get the baby down for her nap and pray to God that my two-year-old is ready for some good, old-fashioned, independent play time. I luck out and for 68 solid minutes, I sit in front of my computer uninterrupted. I’m on fire. I have no time to do one thing at a time. That’s for amateurs. I need to accomplish in one hour what most accomplish in three. I design marketing materials while waiting on hold returning phone calls. Thank God Siri can read my emails out loud to me so I can go through those while simultaneously getting dinner in the crock-pot. Thank God for Crock-pots. The phone rings again. It’s my favorite client. Please don’t miss the sarcasm. “Hey, Judy!”
After an entire day of multitasking, putting out fires, being needed by everyone for everything, not having a spare moment to pee, I FINALLY get a moment of silence. If a toddler’s antics aren’t enough to frazzle you, couple that with a newborn’s cries all day. It’s like a freaking symphony of insanity to really tip you over the edge! So I grab a glass of wine because let’s face it–I have earned the ENTIRE bottle.
Later that night, when my head FINALLY hits the pillow my phone rings. It’s my dear and single, childless friend Susan who starts the conversation by telling me about her new Barre class then asks, “How was YOUR day?” To which I can only reply, “good!” because where would I even begin?
That’s the really nice thing about other mom friends. I can send a 3-letter text message…”FML” and they know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.”
………..
The SAHWM, like all moms, is an unsung hero. At any given time there is every imaginable bodily fluid on my already homely nightgown–blood, tears, breast-milk, poop and pee. If dressing for success is a real thing, then I am doomed for failure. Because most of the biggest contracts we have landed have happened over the phone while I was still in my nightgown… at 3 pm.
It’s getting harder and harder to keep up with my own perfectionism. Motherhood has a way of humbling you, bringing you to your knees, and sometimes it also means eating your own words.
I’ve read parenting book after parenting book with baited breath as if each author held the secret key I needed to push through an obstacle- sleep, potty training, meltdowns…but the reality is, real life never, ever lends itself neatly to the textbook version of how parenthood plays out. Some days I am lucky to just make it through the day without losing my cool. And as I juggle being both a stay-at-home mom and a working mom, I have to remind myself to forgive myself daily, to give myself grace. Because I am doing it. And that’s enough.
I will end with a story of triumph with the sincere hope that inspires other moms who may be listening to believe that doing this, doing both, really is possible. It’s hard, but possible.
When I was 9-months pregnant with my first baby, worried and wondering how I was going to manage motherhood with this brand new business I was trying to grow, I sat down with a “business coach” who we hired to guide us. I sat across from her with my big belly and she had to have heard the fear and sadness in my voice when I said, “How am I going to do this? How am I going to be an amazing mom to my kids and a successful business owner?” And she looked at me, reached across the table and leaned in and said definitively…”You can’t.”
You can’t. The words killed me on the inside.
The new me would have said, “I can’t!? Really!? Watch me!” But the unsure, scared, emotional, pregnant, new business owner me politely excused myself after the meeting, walked briskly to my car and let the tears fall and fall and fall. I felt like I had failed my business partner by having this baby. I felt like I had failed myself by getting myself into an impossible situation and I feel like I had already failed this baby I hadn’t yet met. It felt awful.
I will never, ever forget that. And I hope my readers don’t forget that either. Because she was sooooooo wrong.
My business partner and I have a growing and successful business. And with each milestone we reach, I think about that woman who of all people, was the one who was supposed to believe in me and inspire me, almost made me call it quits. And I wonder how many other women either give up on their dream of having a baby assuming that their business will fail if they do or give up on their business to have a baby, assuming it has to be one or the other.
I hope I haven’t led anyone to believe this journey is easy. Start a business, have a baby and poof! Success! But if you’re mentally prepared for the challenge and you stay the course even when it’s rough, you. can. do. this.
Rosalind Prather is owner of Trusting Connections in Tucson, AZ. She along with Ryan Jordan, Educated Nannies and Megan Metzger, Preferred ChildCare, will be talking candidly about motherhood and balancing it all with life, marriage and owning a thriving company during the INA Conference.