Nannies, Guiding your Tween/ Teen (or threenager!) to Independence
INA member Keyanna Barr, a professional nanny working in Northern Virginia, submitted this informative and engaging article to share tips she learned at the International Nanny Association’s 30th Annual Conference in April 2015. Thank you Keyanna!
I am a live-in Nanny/ House Manager for four girls ages 4,6,8, & 10 as well as their father. Some days I feel like I am dealing with 5 teenagers and sometimes just one tween- so when I saw that Dr. G. (Deborah Gilboa, MD) was offering a workshop at the INA’s Annual Conference dealing with tweens & teen independence I was like SIGN A SISTER UP!!!!
As a Nanny, I see independence as somewhat of a double-edged sword. It is so hard to say out of one side of your mouth “I want them to be able to do this or that alone!” and out of the other side we need to be needed, and many of us NEED our jobs! SO where is the happy path down the middle of this road? I attended this workshop hoping to find it.
Takeaway number 1: WHY should I let my charges try something alone? For the sake of this example I will use my 8 year old charge B.E. She would LOVE to have access to her iPhone at all times. The phone can Face Time on wifi and she has lots of admittedly fun and educational games and apps. BUT she can’t have the phone anytime- she has to clear it with me or her Dad. So, why should she be allowed to give having total control of this a try? It can build independence, responsibility, and trust all at the same time. (Who doesn’t want that?). It can also lead to competence increases AND teach resilience. So… that’s a win-win, right? RIGHT. So, Nanny Key needs to let go and see how things fall. I can always take a step back if B.E. proves she isn’t ready, but she needs to be given the chance to try.
In 2010 there were 5.9 MILLION adults aged 24-34 living at home with at least one parent. Why? Because they STILL haven’t gotten a handle on independence. That’s a trend that is going in the wrong direction!
Takeaway number 2: As adults we think that getting involved will be the best thing for both parties. FALSE! By stepping back we allow kids to become adults. Say that slow out loud. WE ALLOW KIDS TO BECOME ADULTS. In the end isn’t that essentially the job description of all nannies, caretakers and parents? I know, I know… you’re already starting your list of buts.
BUT, I have to intervene because I LOVE them.
BUT, I have to help them because I have already EXPERIENCED this.
BUT, I help my kids out of HABIT.
BUT, I enjoy helping them.
BUT, It’s my responsibility.
Take a step back from theses buts and you will see that when kids have to step up and be independent of us they build important life skills like time management and the ability to find resources on their own. If your teen depends on you to walk them up- STOP. They will find a way. Perhaps they will ask for an alarm clock, have a friend call them, or GASP- set an alarm on that fancy device of theirs! Stepping back also causes them to build other relationships, which they will need in adulthood. Perhaps they reach out to a teacher, a coach with expertise in an area, or even a sibling. The wonderful thing is that you as the adult get to watch this beautiful process. You don’t have to turn a blind eye and hope they don’t fall. Pull up a seat and cheer them on!
Takeaway Number 3: Remember that you CAN be involved. Ask yourself if you are supporting safety, growth or learning. Is the answer yes? Then continue. Now, ask yourself if your intervening will harm or stifle confidence, or stall the growth of another important relationship. Yes? Step back. (See, not that hard right?)
Encourage your teen to make a plan, and guide them in that.
Ask lots of questions and don’t be the teacher for once. Let life teach the lesson.
You can praise the process by saying “Man, it stinks that the first draft of your volcano didn’t work- now you know one way NOT to go with this project. What other ideas do you have?”
Play a game of what if WITHOUT needing a “right” answer. “What if you mixed baking powder and water instead? Let’s try it!”
Another great tool is TV. (Yeah, I know… crazy!) Find an episode of Gilmore Girls, One Tree Hill, Full House or Parenthood that deals with what your kids have going on and watch it together- then talk about what the characters did, and what other options might have been.
Lastly encourage your kids to keep you in the loop without having to do what you “want” them to. Simply say I’m excited to see what you do or I can’t wait to hear about it. And leave it at that.
I am a professional nanny – a child caregiver. For me, it is NO easy task to stay quiet(er), step back, and watch my kids make mistakes. But the truth is that without those mistakes they will not have the chance to blossom into adulthood. Additionally when they don’t get that chance, they can not only blame you but they can do it from your basement where they are living rent-free!
Deborah Gilboa, MD is a go-to expert on raising and educating respectful, responsible, resilient young people. As family physician and mom of four sons, Dr. G is a sought-after presenter to audiences including parents and educators, universities and military families.