By April Cavaletto, LMSW, Program Development and Evaluation Specialist at the Erin Levitas Foundation
As nannies, we see children engaging in behaviors or asking questions related to relationships, sex, and their bodies. Knowing what is age-appropriate can help you identify when something is risky or not typical and when you may need to seek further support.
Babies and Toddlers (0-4)
Young children are learning about their bodies and the world around them. Babies and toddlers are learning about sensation, communication, and play. The sexual behaviors you might see at this age are a form of this exploration, including:
- Sticking hands down a diaper or underwear
- Exploring body parts in the bath
Early Childhood (5-8)
Children in early childhood are curious, learning about how the world works, and developing relationships with people outside of their family. They may copy what they see from the important people in their lives. Some age-appropriate behaviors include:
- Questions about sex and how babies are made
- Holding hands or play kissing other kids their age
Late Childhood (9-12)
Late childhood is a time when children are learning about complex ideas, coping and emotional skills, and social expectations. As children continue to place more emphasis on peers, you may see:
- Social media, TV, and other media sources influencing expectations around sex and relationships
- Self-stimulation in private
It’s important to remember that development is not always linear or consistent between children. While these are general guidelines, what is typical is going to vary.
Talking To Children
Even though these behaviors are age-appropriate, you may want to have a conversation with a child or their parents if the behavior is happening at an inappropriate time or place. For example, you may have a conversation about “private” spaces, such as the bath or their bedroom. You could also talk about consent and boundaries, making sure everyone involved in these behaviors is comfortable.
It is important to create a space in which the child can learn and feel safe discussing these topics. We recommend approaching these conversations with openness and understanding. That may mean not having the conversation right when the behavior occurs, but giving yourself time to prepare. Creating a calm, safe space is essential because the skills learned in these moments help reduce the risk of future harm and shape how children navigate relationships throughout their lives.
These conversations can be hard! The Erin Levitas Foundation has resources to support you.
- The Parent Talk program provides caregivers with tools on how to speak to children about boundaries, consent, and bodily autonomy
- A live Question & Answer portal where you can review previously asked questions or ask an expert a question
- A book and coloring pages to help talk to children about boundaries and their bodies
- To get updates, tips, and videos on similar topics, follow, like, and share at: Insta, Facebook, YouTube, or sign up for our newsletter
Sources
- Barnett, M., Giaquinto, A., Hunter, L., & Worth, C. (2017). Age appropriate sexual behaviors in children and young people: Information for carers, professionals, and the general public (2nd ed.) South Eastern Centre Against Sexual Assault and Family Violence. https://www.ncsby.org/sites/default/files/2022-08/Age-appropriate-behaviours-book.pdf
- Hutchison, E. (2022). Essentials of human behavior: Integrating person, environment, and the life course (3rd ed). Sage.
- Kellogg, N. (2009). Clinical report: The evaluation of sexual behaviors in children. Pediatrics, 124(3), 992-998. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2009-1692
- Malin, H. M., & Saleh, F. M. (2014). Sexual development and behavior in children and adolescents. In F. Saleh, A. Grudzinskas Jr., & A. Judge (Eds.), Adolescent sexual behavior in the digital age: Considerations for clinicians, legal professionals, and educators (pp. 43-61). Oxford University Press.
