By Kenda Horst
A first-time mom, nearing the end of her maternity leave, recently shared how stressed she was feeling about going back to work. She had good help, but friends were making negative comments about leaving her child at home.
When will we support all moms, whether they stay at home or go back to work? We shouldn’t value one decision over the other.
The research is indecisive—
Being Excited to Go Back to Work Doesn’t Make You a Bad Mom
This research found that adult children who were raised by employed mothers were just as happy as adult children who were raised by stay-at-home mothers. This might be a relief to moms who value working outside the home and raising happy children.
What Research Says About Being a Stay-at-Home Mom
Another study found that the benefits of having a parent at home extend beyond the early years of a child’s life, including an increase in school performance through high school. However, the biggest educational impact of a stay-at-home parent was on kids ages 6 and 7.
If children do well with a parent at home and also with parents working, how do we make this decision?
Instead of trying to prove the outcomes of the children 20 years later, let’s concentrate on raising children in a balanced, healthy environment now.
Children need to have a connection with the adults in their lives, with space to explore and boundaries to push that end up being safe spaces to learn. How that environment is set up can be supportive of the parents as well as the children. Not all adults thrive staying home and running a household as their primary role in life. Not all adults thrive working outside of their homes while running a household at the same time.
So instead of tearing each other down and trying to find ways to prove one way is better than another, how can we support each parents’ decisions?
First—know yourself.
To stay at home and raise a child as the primary focus of my life:
- Will you be happy spending the next 3-6 years with your children as the primary focus of your life?
- Will your soul and heart be filled running a household keeping your child engaged and thriving?
- Will you flourish making your household your primary life work?
- Will your household be able to financially thrive on one income for the next 3-6 years?
- Is your partner supportive of you staying home with the children?
- Is your partner willing to share the household responsibilities?
To work outside of the home after having children:
- Will you be able to leave your child in someone else’s care?
- Is your career feeding your soul and heart in ways that being at home cannot?
- Do you have stable childcare for your child?
- Will you be able to afford stable childcare for your child while you work?
- Is your partner supportive?
- Is your partner willing to share household responsibilities?
One is not better than the other. Children will thrive in either world. Children will not compare their childhood to others; each child will believe their life experience is right for them, and your child will thrive.
Each situation can be right for the person who is making the choice, but the tricky part is knowing which is right for you. Like being on an airplane, you need to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others. Take care of yourself first. If you are not nurturing yourself, how will you be able to nurture your children? Take a step back and imagine the greater picture of what your family life could be.
Staying home to raise a family and working outside of the home to raise a family are not easy tasks. Both can be rewarding with the right support for the whole family. Support comes in many forms– nannies, housekeepers, cleaners, grocery shopping and lawn care. What parts of being an adult bring you joy and what parts can be hired out to other people? Asking for help is healthy and shows great strength to children.
So let’s support each other in whichever life decisions we choose so we can each create a better world for our children.
Kenda Horst has been a Nanny in San Francisco for 25 plus years. In her work, Kenda has been able to help foster a family home that is filled with joy, laughter, and love, for the parents to come home to at the end of the day. She has extensive experience working with families as they are anticipating their second child, helping new siblings to bond. In her work, Kenda views the entire family as a system, an ecosystem. Within this living system, she actively seeks to participate in a variety of ways—cooking healthy food and helping as needed around the house—to promote wellness and wellbeing in the family as a whole.