The Driver and the CoPilot
By Heidi Joline
The Driver and the Co-Pilot: Similarities between an international road trip with a nanny friend and the relationship between Nanny Parents (NP) and Nanny
During the first week in October, the INA Blog Committee, which consists of Lisa Dozier and myself, Heidi Joline, went on not only an international trip to England, but we also made it a road trip. Lisa and I were attending The Great British Nanny Conference in London. The conference is held on the first Saturday in October. Not wanting to just fly in from Los Angeles and then back, Lisa and I decided to make it a nice week-long trip together. This includes driving!! We would be driving from London to Cornwall to South Wales to Bath and then back to London. Yes, two lovely ladies from LA would attempt to navigate not only the motorways of the UK but the small hedgerow streets and roundabouts. Lisa took on all the driving during this part of the trip, while I was the co-pilot. We both had our roles in the car and without each other, the drive would be immensely harder. Yes, each of us could do this trip alone, doing both roles as driver and co-pilot, but sometimes having a way to spread out the worries, stress, and even laughs is better. We had roles that supported each other – The driver, in this case, Lisa, needed to be focused, aware (of the surroundings) and calm. While the co-pilot, Me, needed to be patient with Lisa, clear with directions, actions, and words along with always being a few steps ahead to keep us on track. Together, both of us needed to be communicative and respectful. So, while Lisa focused on the task at hand, driving not only on the opposite side of the road (for us) but also the opposite side of the car, I made sure we knew where we were going, continuing on the correct road (and the correct side for the UK).
How does this actually have similarities in the Nanny Parent/Nanny relationship? Let’s start with the most common similarity – Communication. When you work with your NPs, open communication is one of the key components. Without it feelings are hurt, lines are crossed, and jobs are ended. Open communication is an important basis for any relationship. And let’s face it, no matter what job or career you have, the need to have open communication is a must. The intimate relationship that a nanny and NP have is unlike that in an office typesetting. (Yes, I said intimate because unlike other career paths, we, as nannies, are in a space normally separated as private from a co-worker or boss). Working in someone’s home both nanny (and other staff) and NP have a sort of dance, where we all need to be in “time” with each other. Following the rhythm of the household and its members. Each person in this “dance” has a role to play. For example, if someone misses a step, the movements are now off the beat of the music. As nannies, we need to be able to speak to our bosses knowing we will be heard. Of course, this works both ways, our bosses need to be able to freely speak with us, knowing that we are hearing and listening. Now that’s easier said than done sometimes. We are all people, all of us have lives. And sometimes certain parts of our lives get in the way of open communication. Life can be a distraction to communication.
Back to the road with Lisa and me, driving around the English countryside. Both of us needed to have open communication with each other. Of course, we were both tired after a long flight and now in a new time zone, we both are stressed being in a different country-It’s all part of life though. Our distractions, though different from those in a home, still can get in the way of communicating with each other. I, as the co-pilot, needed to tell Lisa, the driver, where to turn, get off and on, future road changes and what other drivers may or may not be doing. If I had let my own tiredness or the awe that I was in a beautiful new country get in the way, my communication with Lisa would be off. This could cause us to become lost, or even worse, hurt. Same for Lisa, she needed to be focused and aware with driving. If she wanted to check out the rolling hillside, got sleepy, or if her communication was distracted in any way, it could have ended badly for not only us but those in cars around us.
Think about your own NPs and the way you and they communicate. Do you openly discuss work-related things? Are issues resolved with everyone’s feelings and thoughts in mind? If you and your NPs don’t have an open line of communication, how are issues handled? Not having the means to communicate can work for a short time, but eventually, things break down. Like Lisa and I driving, if we had no open communication, wrong or missed turns are taken, roads and exits are missed, and we could have even had all-out car failure. Just like in the relationship between a nanny and the NPs, no communication can lead to missed or wrong signals and thoughts, actions and judgment. It can even lead to a total loss of employment.
While Lisa and I continued down the breathtaking roads of the UK, another thing emerged. We needed to respect each other. Respect for each other’s needs and wants. We didn’t plan much of an itinerary; it was more of a wing-it kind of thing (like sometimes how it feels to raise a child). We each had a few ideas of things we wanted to see, but nothing was set in stone. If Lisa, being the driver, had completely ignored my requests for the sites I wanted to see or if I had ignored Lisa’s wishes, resentment for the lack of respect could have set in and all respect for each other would stop. This also would go back to communication, because we would possibly have stopped all communication due to resentment and hurt feelings. See, each of these builds on one another, without each one the other levels fall apart. So, while having respect is terrific, without open communication, it means nothing. As nannies, we need to respect our NPs for many reasons. 1. They are our bosses, they employ us. It’s still a job, no matter how personal or how much like a family it is. 2. These are their children. We can love them, care for them, but they are not ours. 3. This is their home, their personal space. And our bosses also need to respect us as nannies. They have hired us to care for their children. We have the knowledge and education and years of experience; NPs will hopefully turn to us for guidance in situations. And this should go without saying, both nannies and NPs should respect each other’s time. As nannies, we always want our bosses’ home on time but in turn, we should be on time to start the day. Communication comes back into play, making sure that each member of this working environment respects each other enough to give as much notice as possible. Having open communication opens the doors to have a happier work environment.
How are your nanny/NPs relationships respectful? Think about the saying “respect is earned,” how does this translate to the working environment when we all come in brand new not knowing each other? How are you respectful of work/life boundaries and how are your NPs respectful of your own work/life boundaries? If you feel there is a lack of respect do you openly speak to your NPs and are you open when they come to you if they feel a lack of respect? (Again, back to the open communication).
Let’s look at the other things both the driver and co-pilot needed to make this a successful trip. At the beginning of this, I said the driver needed to be focused, aware and calm. While the co-pilot needed to be patient, instructive and a cheerleader. All of those things are interchangeable in the day-to-day life between a nanny and NPs. If we, the nannies, think of ourselves as the co-pilot in this funny little road trip of raising children, we are there to be patient with the parents, we can help guide or instruct them for future things that may come along, and we are their own little cheerleader, giving them the “rah-rah” attitude that sometimes we all need to go on. If we as nannies are the co-pilots, then the NPs are the drivers. They are the ones who need to be fully focused and aware of where things are going and they need to remain calm while doing so (and we are there to cheer them on so they can remain calm). While raising children can be done alone and with little help, having others to lean on and rely on, for even just a smile and a pat on the back, makes all the difference. Sometimes the roles of Driver and CoPilot get reversed and the nannies become the driver, taking the wheel and guiding the family as much as possible. Nanny Parents become the co-pilots, taking a step back trusting us with the direction we are going. The point is that we are all in the car together. (Unfortunately, sometimes our NKs are either the GPS and they get lost a lot or they are the travel buddy in the backseat, eating all the snacks, sleeping nonstop, needing the bathroom all the time and basically as comic relief). Together we can all make it to the destination, maybe a little more tired, a lot messier and a little crankier. But together we get there and get to enjoy the roads, site, and wonders that raising a child can bring.
Heidi Joline is currently living in Los Angeles CA. She was awarded the Nanny of the Year for 2019. Heidi also joined the INA Blog Committee in 2019. Heidi has been a nanny for 20 years, working with various types of families and jobs including travel nanny, set sitter and live in. She loves to continue her education by taking classes, training and courses in the childcare field. When not working Heidi loves to travel, scuba dive and discover new places.
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